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Like other parents who have a biological (as opposed to adopted) child with Down syndrome, Bill and I met with a genetic counselor during our week-long stay at the hospital after Matthew was born. Bill says he vividly remembers how our meeting went. I can only remember parts.
I remember the depression, the overwhelming emotional pain.
I remember seeing the results of the chromosome analysis that was done using a blood sample from Matthew. There it was - an extra copy of the 21st chromosome.
I remember asking how this happened and being "reassured" it was nothing we did to cause it and nothing we could've done to prevent it. Matthew has Trisomy 21, the most common form of chromosomal abnormality that affects approximately 1 in every 800 newborns and is typically not inherited.
I remember saying that I was only 29 and didn't think our chances of having a baby with DS was high. Matthew was our first child. We learned that we had a 1/1100 risk. I was upset that I was THE 1 out of 1100. The risk is less (1/1400) for someone between 20-24 years old and it steadily increases with age. The frequency of Down syndrome per maternal age is charted on ds-health.com. I scoffed at other similar statistics that were brought up in later conversations.
I remember asking what the chances were of a recurrence. It increased to 1% (1/100) since we've had a baby with DS. Plus, this risk increases with every year that goes by.
I remember talking about the possibilities of genetic testing for Bill and I before we have any more kids. At the time though, I really didn't feel like having any more kids because the risk of having another child with DS was so high. We talked about exploring in vitro fertilization as an option for future kids. Expensive, but if we had to, we'd find a way.
I remember thinking 'Why me?'
It took me many months to even fathom the idea of having a second child that would not be through in vitro. Many people asked when we would have another baby, not knowing that it hurt to answer "not any time soon". It felt like being pushed off a cliff and asked if I wanted to be pushed off again. I feared the possibility of having another baby with Down syndrome. I just couldn't bear to think of the developmental delays, the arm-long list of potential and likely health problems, the likelihood that he may not be able to live independently, the social stigma, and all the possible hardships that Matthew may have in his life. It broke my heart. Were there other mothers that had this same fear? Probably.
In the past few months, however, I've managed to dispel my doubts and fears. Through Matthew, I've discovered amazing unconditional love that I cannot truly express in words. Through books like Common Threads: Celebrating Life with Down Syndrome by Cynthia S. Kidder and Brian G Skotko, I found reassurances for the future. I read about individuals with Down syndrome like Karen Gaffney, who is a self-advocate, accomplished swimmer and President of the Karen Gaffney Foundation, and Chris Burke, who acted in the tv series Life Goes On from 1989 to 1993. Life is better these days for individuals with Down syndrome and I imagine it will only get better in the future. Through the internet, I found other moms who answered the nagging question I had in my mind: "Anyone here given birth to another child after having your Down baby?" on healthboards.com.
I no longer fear possibly bearing another child with Down syndrome, not to be confused with choosing to have a child with Down syndrome. If God let me choose whether I want to have another child with Down syndrome or a 'typically developing child', I would choose the latter. Can you blame me for wanting to know first-hand what the grass is like on the other side? But the choice is not mine to make. I admire those who choose to adopt a child with DS. I feel it's just not a path for me. Would I take a prenatal screening test? Maybe, depending on how the pregnancy goes and if my doctor recommends it. But I won't be heart-broken if I find out that our second child may have Down syndrome. I'll simply be more prepared.
So, ask me again if we would have another baby. My answer, "Maybe (hopefully) some time soon. We'll see." Are there other mothers who have other (biological) kids without Down syndrome after the one with? Definitely. And I would love to meet them.
